sometimes people seem like transparent creatures with thier thoughts and emotions floating in them.

I see them, the more I'm near them the more I see, warm bubbles of hope and laughter minglying with gray blobs of boredom and worry, bright red and purple blobs of fasination and excitement. and black cancerous saddness and hate.

everyone looks like this to me if i've been around them I see how thier emotions and mind mix and watch the endless cycle of thier emotions. some people are self sustained and will wne and grow like tide, others burn with the red passion blobs and other with the bright bubbles, but many have creaping growing sadness and hate and when it's too much to bear they vomit up part of it. sometime onto and into other people infecting them with thier sorrow, thier hate, and thier discontintment, in an indevor to try and rid themselves of it, but it seems they can not do it alone.

perhaps it's because I'm aware of this or it's something to do with the ball of green energy in my chest that the fusion of hope, confidence, and determination, but thier cancers and toxins do not touch me.

when i tire of thier suffering and thier ailments and I understand them enough, when they open to vomit forth thier ailiments, I reach into them with words that burn with the searing truth temptered by concern and understanding and grab the sourse of the darkness and burn it out carterizing and curing them with luck.

this hurts them greatly, it's even broken some, but I know what I do is right, there have been many that I've helped, only a few where broken, perhaps from my judgement or luck or both but I've helped many i know.

tonight I did just that, tried to burn out a cancer with truth, i hope the wounds heal and he can be rid of his suffering finally. He's bore it's weight far to long and infected many that he cares for with it.

sometimes, it's the smallest things you miss when your forced to be apart. like a simply kiss, the soft sound of air going in and out of her lungs as she sleeps next to you, or the way that in her sleep she wimpers and snuggles close to you.

and then when you lay alone, you realizie this little things mean more to you than anything that petty money could buy and more then anything you could ever hope to achive alone.

good night my love, though you sleep away from me for the night to help a friend of ours, know that my thoughts rest with you.

                                                               -Curtis

I've let myself be consumed by work this past week for the sake of what it will grant me.... air. things are tight, it's hard to beath with so much pressure on me so i'll hold my breath and dive deep to find a treasure that will keep me from the dark murk for a while. coin is limited but we survive and even make lead way.  in time it will all line up.

my comrades at work are an insperation (mostly) they rally suport and offer aid and show me great kindness they are my comrades and brothers in arms. I say this with pride and without embelishment. some of them would be crippled without my aid and some would quite. it's an odd feeling to be relied on like that. it fills you with vigor and pride and makes you dedicated to those around you but it is also a heavy burden. Most of y free time and my breaks and even my lunches are usually consumed with the requests of others for aid and people seeking me for knowledge. Tawnii says others would not do the same for me and she might be right but I have never adn I don't think I will ever turn aside a request for help.

it's good to rest too. peace reigns in my home and house at all times. i ame calm and at rest and and truely unshoulder my bruden here.

unless the bezerker is here. there is one element that rages at the world and his suroundings. he blames me and hates me. and perhaps after countless attacks I've become jaded and cold to him but one can not expext a person to continually be warm and kind in the face of endless assults. this is my one great trouble. I treated him with kindness and patients I tried to be fair and just and treated him as I would any other. he disrepected me, stole from me, lied to me, spoke bad of me, said hurtful things to me and others because he's angry at me, he behaved with great arrogants and contempt for me. I've meet all this with great patients and after 2 years, I am numb. I can feel no more.

the others I feel thier love and acceptance, I am not always on good terms with them and we do fight from time to time but I have great care for them and though they do not say it, i feel it returned. I feel small inclings of the same care from the berserker when no others are around too and it confuses me.

his behavior is strange. when I & other people are around he is aggressive and attacks them and me and fights and argues. often to the point of threats. when it is just he and I he doesn't do anything. we coexists in peace left to one anothers devices and I do not mind. I understand the desire for solitude and and sympathize with his desire for freedom and identity. but it's so diffrent when others are around.

I do not know what it is that upsets him about me when others are around. perhaps if I knew why he hated me so or understood it I could change myself so he would not be upset by me.

I can not stop it nor can i act or respond without making things worse, this I've learned from countless trial and error. I must simply stand and suffer. I do not feel sorrow, or anger, or anything towards him anymore, nor the hateful things he says to nor the things of mine he steals or destroys or when he lies to me. he's wrung all those emotions out of me. I simply can not care any more. 

There is, however, one thing that makes rage flow through me. when he disturbs the peace for no reason and upsets tawnii so. I can bear an insult and hate and anger but do not DARE to harm tawnii because YOU are anger at ME. this fills me with primal fury and makes me desire to very much do things I know I will regret. but I stifle my fury like every time, it still burns but I'll swallow this coal and let it burn and blister, for if I vomited it up and flung it in his face as I so wish to do, it would only burn tawnii.

I know I should not feel so but I am glad when he is gone for it is when there is peace.

I find it sad that fathers day is comming up.

not because I do not like my father. far from it me and my dad are close. he raised me, taught me, counsled me and gave me insight and above all, he gave me freedom.

as a boy I could do as I pleased, almost. dad did have limits like I couldn't do anything dangerous or unreasonable things and I had to do chores but my free time was my own. he never really told me not to do anything but made the concequences of my actions clear to me. (example. you can play with the skunk but know that if you do it's gonna spray ya and you'll be washing with tomato soup and sleeping in a tent for a week.)

the reason fathers day saddens me is because of the middle child. he's 14. He reminds me of an enraged animal. he has no direction he can take that anger, so he destroys his suroundings and attacks anything he can. but unlike an enraged animal he doesn't seem to know the source of his anger or a way to deal with it.  

He rages, blames, and hates me. and the only reason I can find is (and a friend obsovered this) I'm the new person. he says i take every moment to attack him and that I have the problem, not him.

tawnii says it's his hormones.

I know he hates me, he's told me so many times.

I wonder how we got to this point. at first we were ok, I tried to be understanding and patient he was angry a lot of things (he doesn't fit in at school, he's the middle child, he wants to be accepted so badly, and his parents when through a divorce) but it wasn't directed at anyone at first. I offered advice, I tried to be friendly, I shared things I enjoyed (video games in particular), and listened to him talk about things that I didn't care about but listened and gave attention to him anyway.  

But with time he only got angrier and it didn't take long form him to start directing it all at me. everything from passive insults and mean spirited pranks like stuffing erasers in my shoes or turning my body wash upside down in the shower so it leaks out to open fighting and stealing my things. he's stolen things from me, Game data, dice, money, and cloths. most of it I don't even comment on, and the ones I do bring to his attention he denies whole heartedly and without proof tawnii won't punish him.

I've tolerated as much as I can. i'm told it's a phase and eventually he'll accept me. Tawnii even says she went through the same thing with her step dad. I don't think it was this bad though.

now that you know the past let me tell you about today. Today I'm off work, I spent my morning running errands and then tonya came home and it got even better. we went to mexican, got books, chocolates, and a latte! we even took a nap togeather. it was so nice and I was so happy. after we woke up from our nap we decided to go do laundry (something I jokeing say means we are on a date) and afterwards we where going to go to the water front for a walk and then come home for some intimate time.

well after we woke up from our nap the middle child said he wanted to come over. so we picked him up and did laundry. I really don't mind haveing the kids along, on anything. as I understand he hates me and I simply try to disregard and distance myself from him. he started talking and arguing and brough up accusations and said lots of mean things to me and about me. He even tried to tell me I should call tawnii "his mom" and not by her name. I'm a grown man maddly in love with tawnii i will not have ANYONE telling me how to talk to or treat her. he also threw a tantrum because he didn't want to go to the water front afterwards.

he upset tawnii and that what hurts me the most. we didn't go to the water front and as tawnii said "This day was so good, and now it's ruined" that's what hurts the most. I've had plenty of mean things and cruel things said and done to me, It's made my hide thick so to speak so I can shrug off just about any insults, but harming Tawnii will make me grow blade and ignite a form of pure fury that could easilly drive me to kill a man. as with each time my body screamed at me to strike him for what he was doing to tawnii and make him regret and promise not to do it ever again but my heart restrained me because doing so would tear tawnii apart and it would only make things worse. so i did the only thing I could, the only thing I've ever been able to do, suffer for it and tolerate it.

The middle and youngest accept me and I dare say love me, the oldest as a friend the youngest as a dad I believe. The youngest even accidently calls me dad sometimes, I don't have the words to discribe the joy and warmth that fills me when he does. i'm tearing up just typing this. it's what I wanted to be more then anthing in the world. a Dad. I want to be a good one even if I'm never called that. I think that's the only thing that keeps me moving forward with the boys at times. because I want to be a good man, a good example for them, a good provider... a good dad.

time slips by and I barely notice. My work grants me power and in turn I use this power to imporve many buisnesses. i've learned much of myself and the people I work with and many things have become comfortable dances and ritual, a sort of daily routine.

Tawnii too. She's brilliant and passionate, it warms my blood and puts fire in my heart when I see her working hard and creatings her beautiful illusions. I can not say everything is the same but I will say that I'm happy.

I know i've lost touch with some things, I might not say what a feel as much but I do still feel.

just a little blurb about reawakening.